So I wrote this post
than I deleted
than I saw a video on Facebook that really made me come back and write again.
I guess i didnt really plan this writing session as (I do with my others)but I just felt like I needed to get it off my chest. I didnt want to write this because Im sort of a private person, but I cant expect you guys to relate if I keep holding things back and just giving yall the “internet” me. So fuck it lets get it, I didnt want to write this because I didnt want it to come off slanderous or bitter but at this point I dont even care, I do care about getting it off my chest, hopefully closing that door and being able to properly heal. “She Has Daddy Issues” Thats what people say, when you are a female who is fucked up in the head a little. The first thing they ask is “was the dad in their life?!”
I dont remember everything about my past but I think i was a Daddy’s girl. My family always said how i always wanted my daddy, always wanted to be around him. My Mom even told me a story about the one and only time he disciplined me and literally cried afterwards because he didnt wanna hit me. I think I remember that feeling, it didnt last long of course. Just like some black men in the “hood” he had has issues to deal with as a man and this probably prevented him from being the father he wanted to be, I wanna find the good somewhere in this conversation….. Fast forward to a time where I was shipped off to St Thomas VI to live with my grandparents. My Mom had her own issue she needed to take care of, I hated leaving. I remember wondering where the fuck my dad was, why do we have to go ALL THE WAY ACROSS THE OCEAN when he lives like up the street?! Me and my brothers were Islanders now, and during this time My dad was great, as a kid his love was based on the BIG boxes of presents he would send for us while Living in paradise. Of course We felt loved! Letters, Phone calls, EVERY TOY I ASKED FOR!!! I mean come on thats the life!!!
IM BACK! Back in Baltimore with my mom! Im a preteen now dealing with sounding different from others (Island Accent), Public schools, Boys and not feeling as pretty as everyone else. Another yet important time for my dad, to teach me about how im suppose to be treated all that good stuff but alas, he was not there. Absent?! NAW just not there like a dad should be, of course at the time i didnt notice the LACK of involvement he had but the little time and energy he did give us I welcomed it! I love my dad Ill take what I can get. This kinda “here but not really here” relationship lasted alll the way until i graduated High School! He was a proud father at my graduation and i was proud that I made him proud, “maybe if im doing well he will wanna be around me” I ended up going to community college keeping me in Baltimore and believe it or not in these coming of months me and my dad started to get closer! I figured it could be because I was an adult now we could connect on an adult level and I would be able to understand him better…. He’s dating now, and Im trying to get along with this lady. I wanted too I wanted to be in my dad’s life, I dont know why this period felt awkward but thinking about now, I felt like a stalker I Wanted to be around my dad all the time! He moved near my best friend so it was easy to just walk to his house and hang, and he welcomed me to come!!! One time I even stayed the night, I was nice to his girlfriend even with her daughter, I figured if my dad loved her i should too maybe she would be the reason he will see the error in how he raised me and OH THE POSSIBILITIES!!!
I get a call from my dad, said he doesnt want me coming back over his house. (random) He said the area was bad he didnt like me there by myself (even tho i BEEN walking that street with my best friend and my ex way before he moved there) But I listened, I was hurt but he was looking out for me… right?!?!…. WRONG….. Turns out his GIRLFRIEND name was on the house and she didnt want me there, AND HE DID NOT ARGUE OR CHANGE THIS DECISION. It was final! My heart broke when i heard that….. My siblings were not at all close to him,but I wanted to give him a chance and he did this to me, and ALL i wanted was love and attention from him… I stop talking to him period. I had no words; we go a lonngg time without actually having conversation only to find out hes MARRIED NOW! Yup you heard right He got married to the same girlfriend who banned his youngest child from his house for no reason at all. Didnt tell us, didnt invite us. The last stab in my heart, my own father doesnt care about my feelings, exactly why would anyone else.
Im now in a relationship of my own with a Baby!! My son is beautiful, my dad called and checked on me while i was in the hospital, the saddest part is i dont even remember if he came to the hospital or not (i think he did but clearly it didnt leave an impression) He has his moments where hes calling my mom drunk telling her all sorts of things mostly how much he Loves his kids and miss us blah blah blah, a bunch of stuff i use to believe until it only happened when he was drunk and he never followed thru. He comes to My sons Christening brought his wife to a birthday once, thats it…… THE END! Well not really but mostly the end of me actually seeing my father! Its probably going 2 years since i seen his face! There was one time that i called him because I was getting evicted (what a sad day) I didnt talk to him in forever but i figured i would ask, he said he didnt have it and didnt hear from him again (not even to see if i was GOOD after the eviction) There was a time I ran into a pothole and broke my car tire with my son with me, I called him and he told me to CALL MY BROTHER! (AGAIN didnt check on me afterwards) So at this point in my life im just done with the idea of him. He clearly doesnt care so why should I?!
I broke this down in parts so you could see, this is only a summary, but really this is how my FATHER the man who brought me into this world treats me. I had to get all these feelings out I have been through a lot in these times and these were times where I needed him and he wasnt there as usual! My mom is so forgiving and kind heart, she never bashed my father to us, to this day she always tries to force me to fix the relationship with him, so i tried. I sent him a LONG MESSAGE about my feelings hoping maybe he would call me and we could talk or something, NOTHING…I dont even think he even read it.
This man lives like 3 mins from my place of employment, Ive been working at my job now for 4 years, he has YET to ever visit. This man who made me wont take time out from under his WIFE to see if im still breathing! Hell or even to see if his grandkids are alive! How am I suppose to feel?!?!People keep telling me I need to be the one to call him I need to be the one to reach out But fucking WHY?! Im the child in this equation why should I have to beg my dad to father me?! It hurts… a lot…. I see my friends with their dads or talk about how much they love their fathers and I cant see it and it hurts I really feel like I dont have a father! I’ve been raped, abused mentally and physically my dad was just right down the street living his life with no care as i suffered to try and close the scars on my heart he left. I really thought I was over it but Im not…If the person who brought me here doesn’t love me…. why would i expect another man too?! I hopped maybe just maybe after i had my son he would at least be a better grandparent, My son dont know who the fuck he is…. and at this point… neither do I!
FATHERS BE IN YOUR CHILDREN LIFE!!!! They Need you! I wish I had a Strong Male figure in my life I know I would have handle so many situations differently, this of course is not to say single moms aren’t the bomb.com But we dont have the answers Sway we act like we do, but there just somethings a women cant be… she cannot be a father!
So dad I dont know HOW you would be able to see this but you might, I just want you to know That you dont exist to me, I dont know you If I could change my last name I would. I dont wear it with honor, I dont like when people say I look like you, I cant even face your side of the family without feeling some type a way. I hate that i hate you so much! and I hate that you allowed a woman to take my place in your heart! One day I’m going to heal but you You will never know me you will never benefit off any success that I WILL Achieve in my life PLEASE Don’t waste your time telling people I’m your child when you finally see me doing something with my life. Ignore me like you been doing these 30 years! How could you be SO CLOSE And STILL choose to ignore me…. I hope you stay blessed but that’s all I have for you….