She Woke Up in a Panic and hot sweat. Rolling over and looking at the time it was approximately 8:30 pm “Seriously?! that’s it?!”  She thought a Nap would cure the hole that was missing. After profuse times she was accompany by a male counterpart, for the first time in a long time, she was alone. Her body started tensing up, her mind started wandering.

“What is he doing right now?!…. Probably entertaining another chick” the self doubt and insecurities rushed through her mind filling her with a familiar feeling. She had an itch that needed to be scratched, and it could only be scratched by ATTENTION.

“What are you doing!?” texts started pouring out. She knew she didnt want anyone but “HIM” but he currently wasn’t an option. She didn’t want sex. She didn’t material things, she just wanted to feel WANTED. Too Often she had this feeling, the feeling of NEEDING to be wanted by males. The crave of having them yearning for her attention, she bluffed them all for him. He was it! He gave her everything she needed, Affection, Attention, Security and laughter. The one he couldn’t give her, a title.

 

They both were in bad position, positions where they weren’t able to give love. They knew this and decided to engulf into each other either way. The attraction was instant. The moments were intense, when they were together its was electrifying. But here she is NOW… Alone.

“I can have him so lets see who i can play with” She tweedled thru her phone searching for the perfect back up , no one was available. Oh they were available, available for her if she was willing to play ball. If she was ready to get on her knees and give them a show. Her faced cringed at the responses she was getting back from her mates. None were appealing at all, but this lonely itch had now consumed her whole body and currently entering her soul. “I dont wanna be alone…I guess I’ll…” she said typing the “come thru” text to her final contestant.

She knew she didn’t want to have sex with him. Not that it was bad, but it wasn’t her “private eye” that had invaded her body so melodically and effortless, maybe a lil effort ;). As she start to prep herself for her company the thoughts were back.

” Ugh you know you dont want to do this!”

“But hes gonna be here with you giving you the attention you need right now……”

“You Know all he wants is sex… He really doesn’t like you”

“Don’t think about that! Live in the Moment! stop Overthinking!”

“You already been here with him You closed this door why are you opening it again?!”

“….Because…it hurts….”

 

The hole in her soul was now breaching her everything! Her chest was getting tighter her throat had a lump preventing her from barely speaking.  Her Mind was everywhere we just found some sorta self worth and love, why are we going backwards with these cures for lonely nights?!? She wanted to be better she wanted to do better! She wanted to be able to be alone with herself and be happy STILL. This wasn’t the way.

She PAUSED. SHE TOOK A DEEP BREATH

INHALE

EXHALE

“You can beat this” she simply said to herself softly, “I recognize you feelings but I wont go backwards”  and Just like that, the pain subsided. She was no longer itching for attention Her thirst for Mr Right Now were gone. She was able to recognize her fault before it overcame her completely. She was about to do things she didn’t want to just to shut this calling from her body. She was about to lower her belief for herself for something she really didn’t want or need.  BUT SHE DIDN’T.

She climbed back in her bed turned on a movie grabbed her phone and replied “Never mind” a smile came back to her face as she relaxed in her comforter…..

 

Kisses Kloset

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